As I was preparing my work and breastfeeding gears last night, my heart was heavy; my mind confused; and my whole body was incoherent with everything I needed to do. For some time, I had been aware of this dreadful day, but mere awareness did not help condition me emotionally and mentally. I started to panic. I needed to vent out my thoughts and emotions or else I will breakdown.
Though I prayed a disoriented prayer, I knew God understood. I prayed for comfort and direction. I reminded myself of life’s purpose: to live for God.
MY ISSUES. I still want to earn, advance in my career, and be a hands-on mom. I want to earn so I could help in the household expenses, travel and have leisure time, send my kids to good schools, and provide for their needs and wants. On a more selfish note, I want to move ahead with my career. I am uncertain if this will still matter in the future. I just don’t want to be in despair when I am old; to be regretful of the things I did not achieve career-wise, to be envious of other people who made it to the top. (Familiar with Erikson’s life-stage virtues?) Lastly, I really, really want to take care of my kids, witness their milestones, and be with them as they grow. For some unknown reason, God entrusted these precious gifts to me. Out of all the good people in the world, He chose me. Me!
HIS ANSWERS or so I think. I was in quandary, and I needed to share this with my kindred spirits, my sister and my hubby. Sometimes I find it ironic that God uses my husband as His mouthpiece. (Because at times, I do find him as one of my greatest challenges in life. He has been a blessing and a burden for three years now.) Their replies to my concerns were stated differently, but their convictions were the same. To summarize their statements, they reminded me these three things: Family First, God is our Provider, and God’s Perfect Plan.
FAMILY FIRST. This has been my virtue eversince I was a kid. This was what my family and school instilled in me. After I graduated from college, I can still remember telling some friends that what I really want to be is a good housewife. I did not fail the first time I tried,but I did not enjoy it so much. Maybe God is giving me a second chance.
GOD IS OUR PROVIDER. Tried and Tested. He is who He is. I have witnessed His providence for 28 years already. He never fails. He never ceases to be His own character.
GOD’s PERFECT PLAN. I have dreams… a lot, actually. If my dreams are aligned with God’s perfect plan, He will allow it; fulfill it for His glory. If my plans do not come to pass, then they are never meant to be. God’s plan is perfect. He is able to grant something more than my mind could even grasp.
*Note to myself: Ask for God’s grace. Trust and wait for His timing. Live each day; do not worry about the future for it is in His hands. Don’t worry about your dreams.
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